Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I peaked at 12 years old.

I had my very first
girlfriend, and my very last one for a long time, it would seem. She
was the neighbor to my best friend Dave, and was also best friends
with Dave’s girlfriend, Paige. I was sitting at home one night
when I got a phone call from Dave. He asked if I wanted a girlfriend.
What kind of stupid question was that? Of course I did. I was in
seventh grade. That was one of your main goals; obtain a Michael
Jordan rookie card, beat Super Mario 3 with no warps, and learn about
the female form, hopefully first hand. I was hopelessly ready. I was
voted to be next year’s Beta Club Vice President. I’d practically
memorized The Breakfast Club. I had my first pair of name brand
shoes.